By - Fennel Waters

When I was 17 years old, I met my husband.

He was a beautiful, vintage hippy (30 years my senior), very much into self-awareness, taking responsibility for yourself, love, and living life through travel, knowledge and following your truth.

He guided me to look deep into who I was (and who I wanted to be), and he was gentle and firm as I went through the (often messy) process of personal growth–of shedding the many hooks with which society snares our authentic selves. I was also introduced to Wicca and shamanism, and I aligned myself with nature philosophies and practices.

I grew, and it was a fun, loving, difficult, painful, happy and rewarding time in my life. We were together for 18 years before he departed this world in 2009.

I couldn’t say that I was unhappy with my life afterwards and, due to the self-development work I’d invested in over the years, I felt I had a reasonable grip on things for a while. However, I was still going through a truly traumatic experience, and I found myself falling into a deep, dark pit.

As I grappled with my grief, there were plenty of dark periods, frustrations, angry moments, confused feelings, and listless wanderings and wonderings.

I decided to try mindfulness again. When I’d first encountered mindfulness, I’d tried it on my own rather than with a group. But I’d been scared to explore the experience further–I could see it beginning to crack open the unacknowledged feelings I had been avoiding.

Remembering how the start of that powerful expansion of my mind had felt made me decide to return to mindfulness. I completed two courses within 10 months–beginning with mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT), followed by mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR)–giving myself time to digest what I was learning and build a regular practice.

I was astounded by the speed of the results; I felt differently within a few days of starting the first course, which not only brought its own joy, but really motivated me to continue (even though I kept falling asleep during the body scan!).

After three weeks of the MBCT course, I experienced a massive mind shift. I came to some clear insights about my behaviours and reactions. And, because I had chosen to change and was already viewing my experience from an observer’s perspective, I was able to really look myself in the eye this time.

These wonderful fresh perspectives allowed me to uncover and work with many challenges on deeper levels than ever before. The main challenge I encountered was this sense of diminished self-worth (and the judgement, guilt and shame that came attached to that). A big realisation was that my husband had valued and cherished me more than I did myself. Surprisingly, I also discovered that I’d been dealing with chronic depression for over a decade.

Discovering the depression was a relief because it helped me puta name to what I was going through, but working with it was really tough: I would sit for days in a funk, crying and not feeling able to face the world or myself.

But I continued my mindfulness practice and, at some point, I noticed that the dark days didn’t last as long, and eventually weren’t as intense. Other people started to notice that I was more social, more focused and happier in general. All this encouraged me with my practice and motivated me to ask for help with my depression.

I started to see a counsellor, which, in conjunction with mindfulness, brought up a lot of heartache around my lack of self-worth. I had body dysmorphia, and I constantly compared myself to others (often with the rose-tinted outlook that their life was great and I was the only one struggling).

Thankfully, by this time, I had a regular mindfulness practice going, and so I was able to take a more observational view of these thoughts and feelings. I still got upset, and it was a difficult process; however, meditation gave me stillness, insight and support throughout. I started to love myself, and to be grateful for what I had.

Eventually, my mindfulness practice allowed me to release the judgement and to regard my thoughts and feelings with a wonder and curiosity that I hadn’t felt since early childhood. I suddenly understood how much pressure I was putting on myself, which was grossly distorted and impacted by a variety of factors–societal conditioning, peer pressure, marketing and lack of education, to name a few.

I also started to not take things personally. I became aware that people are usually wrapped up in their own heads, and that their behaviour towards me was little to do with me, but more about what was going on with them at the time.It was a complete game changer to realise and understand this.

Even when Covid-19 hit, mindfulness helped. I found myself with a whole new box of unknowns, fears, anxieties and worries on a level that I hadn’t felt for years. So, I went back to basics and meditated.

After a week of sitting crying, scared journalling, breathing, and allowing myself to do and be whatever was needed (exercise; stayin bed the whole day; read; watch rubbish on the TV; eat well; binge on sugar and fat; get completely drunk one night), I popped out on the other side.

I listened to what the thoughts and emotions had come to tell me (fear and control worries about the future, my health, my finances,and so on) and I accepted the new unknowns, but also–joyfully–I was able to accept and anticipate the start of a new adventure and a societal shift. The world was never going to be the same, but I was able to make peace more than ever before with what was, even if I didn’t know what was coming. I felt as if I was going to be okay.This allowed me to thrive during lockdown, and to be in a more connected place than ever with myself.

Today I do my best to live mindfully every day, so much that it has become an unconscious way of living. I am happy and grateful, and I continually feel more and more alive.

Facing my fears was less scary than I imagined, and knowing more about myself has given me so much more power to decide how I want to live. Now, amongst other skills, I am an accredited mindfulness teacher (MBSR), a qualified life coach and a sensual embodiment guide. I enjoy and am passionate about my work, and I adore the life I have been blessed with–every day, no matter what life brings my way.

This is story from our book Mindfulness for Transformation. The stories are written by members of our community.

Get in touch for details to join our Daily Mindfulness Club or Teach Mindfulness Academy communities