BRAND NEW Kindfulness Retreat Centre Launches in UK - 1 April 2021
/I have got some very exciting news to share with you all
I’ve been keeping it a secret for ages and can now share it!!!
At the end of this article is an application form. Once you’ve read through the whole article and would like to apply for the first batch of free retreats, take 1 minute to register - it’s free. Now read on carefully…
We have been gifted a beautiful retreat centre in the English countryside
We have been gifted a beautiful retreat centre in the English countryside, set in hundreds of acres of rolling hills! One of our Daily Mindfulness Club fans found out about my idea and we’ve spent much of the last six months working out the details.
Today is the ‘soft launch’ so please just share with your friends and family - don’t email it to any major media outlets as that will be part of our full launch. But sharing on social media is fine.
Generous Donor Wants to ‘Give Back What She’s Received’
The generous donor, who wishes to remain anonymous, is happy for me to share that her family own a major toilet tissue business! You just can’t make this stuff up - I love how the universe works!
And as you know, people have spent billions more than usual on toilet paper in the last year. This has led to a surplus of cash in the business and she was told to spend the money wisely rather than ‘flush it down the toilet’ as such!
World’s First Kindfulness Retreat Centre
When she discovered I wanted to open the world’s first Kindfulness Retreat Centre™, she was really excited! My vision for several years has been for a luxurious centre where people can relax and enjoy retreats, without mobile phones or wifi, and completely unwind and let gooo.
Here’s some photos:
This is a photo I took when I visited as part of a work trip a few months back. Stunning, isn’t it? It has always been a kind of ‘retreat’ centre, but previously only for the wealthy. But since the family has now moved to Singapore for tax reasons, they don’t use this place much at all. Kindfulness is about playfulness too. So she won’t mind me telling you they were ‘rolling’ in cash and their business was making a ‘sh*t load’ of money and they didn’t want the funds to go to ‘waste’! Sorry I couldn’t help it! :)
This is a photo from a different part of the house. Apparently The Beatles played ‘Let It Be’ and ‘Yellow Submarine’ in here! So it has great energy and history.
In fact, this is a living room connected to one of the more ‘basic’ bedrooms, believe it or not!
All the bedrooms also have access to their own, private sauna. I’m sure you’re warming to all this now.
The bathrooms are also very luxurious. This is a more standard one - others are much larger. Big enough for you?
The centre has many jacuzzis fitted with hundreds of jets. This is something I insisted on and more have been fitted as we have more than enough budget. Hot baths are great for relaxation and ease.
Most of my most enjoyable meditations have been in jacuzzis. Have you tried it?
The centre has access to both a lake and two outdoor swimming pools. Here’s one of them that I snapped on my visit. :)
The centre has an ancient formal garden - designed many years ago. The rest of it is more natural woodland and an organic farm.
They also grow mangoes in a special greenhouse heated by solar panels and Tesla battery technology.
I love this! I didn’t get to see this lake, but the owner emailed me this photo. It’s also the property of the land and all Kindfulness Retreat attendees will have full access to this, as well as rowing boats. Great photo!
This is what I really love - the lotus lake! This is a few minutes walk from the house and a perfect sanctuary for peace of mind and spirit. I can imagine meditating here with you all for hours!
The local woodland has some decorative features too. This photo was taken earlier last year. I haven’t even had time to see this part - lovely lovely. The place is so Zen! I can’t believe we get private access to all this as part of the retreat!
Steam-Powered Local Train
This house is of course very grand. And about a century ago, it used to have its own train station that brought the wealthy to wine and dine. That steam train is now a national heritage, and still functions to this day. It’s currently closed, but will open up in June onwards (they told me PM Boris Johnson has given the thumbs up now for steam trains to open up) for us to use privately! A grand way to begin your Kindfulness retreat, right?! Even I didn’t imagine this!
The house is of course very expensive to run, but the funds from ‘toilet tissue sales’ will keep ‘afloat’ for 100 years.
Dalai Lama asks Tutu if he knows any dummies that might like this book!
How much will it cost to stay? Good news!
We can use the house as a retreat centre for the next 100 years at least on the following three conditions:
Free Retreats for All - Everyone who attends the Kindfulness Retreat Centre just needs to give an optional small donation - there is no fee for any of the retreats, ever. The interest earned from the ‘Andrex’ Kindfulness ‘Potty’ will keep things flowing nicely. And everyone who attends can take up to, believe it or not, 42 rolls of toilet tissue for free too, each. This covers you for a year of bathroom trips which is strange and generous I thought! But you can take less - I don’t think I would take more than 10 or so rolls. I’m already rolling in it - forgive my pun.
Free food and drink - No one is ever charged for food or drink. This is a basic human right for all. And besides, the more we go to the bathroom with the food we eat, the more money they make anyway! So it’s a win-win. Apparently, this toilet tissue company has made £1000s from you via your toilet tissue purchases over your entire life - so they don’t need any more money from you. No need to feel guilty as you enjoy these pleasures - in a way, you flushed your hard-earned money to them and they are just returning it in this way. No mud. No lotus. No Flushing. No Retreating!
ALL Retreat teachers are paid a ‘Doctors Salary’ - Teachers are usually not well-paid. That’s not the case here. We want to change things for the caring profession so they become the highest paid. Our Kindfulness Retreat Centre teachers will be compensated at the same rate as a freelance private medical doctor with the same number of years of experience. So if you taught for a week here, you get paid about £5000 + all expenses including travel from anywhere in the world. Why are you paid at the same rate as doctors? Because meditation is medicine for the soul. We hope other top level retreat centres follow our lead.
‘No mud. No lotus. No Flushing. No Retreating!’
So that’s the money side sorted. Her trust fund will have enough money to cover all these costs many times over so that won’t be an issue.
‘We believe Kindful Retreats Need to be Like a Luxury Spa Experience’
Secondly, the generous donor and I believe retreats should be like a spa experience. Why? Because everyone loves spas. They are relaxing, calming and nurturing. You can’t be violent if you’re in a spa. Imagine if the leaders of the world were in a luxury spa. Can you imagine people like Putin and Trump fighting if they are in a big bubble bath together with rubber ducks and getting a massage? This kind of retreat can literally create world peace! That’s the big vision. World Peace - one flush at a time.
So the Kindfulness Retreat Centre™ will be fitted with the highest rated luxury spa facilities. This includes:
Private saunas in each bedroom as well as a larger one for sharing
Steam rooms and plunge pools
Several state of the art massage rooms
Environmental protection is another key factor that the retreat centre will be mindful of. The centre will grow all of its own food, organic of course. Any excess food will be donated to the local village.
Lots of Wind is Required!
The centre will be entirely run by wind - pun not intended! You can see the wind turbines here:
Some of that energy also goes back into the grid, and some goes to the factory to make extra toilet tissue, CO2 free.
In fact, the Kindfulness Retreat Centre is currently Carbon Negative and actually reduces the amount of CO2 in the atmosphere through its very existence - a bit like the country Bhutan.
Want to Avoid People Releasing ‘Gases’ During Meditation
I know this is getting a bit specific here, but to ensure you don’t contribute to climate change, no beans (especially baked beans) will be served at the centre. That way you won’t release ‘gases’, if you know what I mean, and ensure we can keep the carbon negative certification. This may sound like a joke, but if you add up 50 people a week, every week of the year - that’s a lot of toxic gases that are both unpleasant in the meditation hall, cause a bit of noise pollution and rise temperatures globally. I always end up sitting behind the wrong person, so I for one am very happy about this policy!
Dalai Lama’s Potential European Tour Stop Off
We have been contacting the first set of retreat leaders for our centre, and currently have confirmed:
Dalai Lama (promised he will swing by as part of his small 2022 visit to Europe, health permitting)
Tara Brach
Jon Kabat-Zinn
Pema Chodron
Sharon Salzberg
Are YOU Vaguely Hippy?
We are now seeking ‘ordinary’ teachers. Famous teachers are great, but we want those that are down to earth and ‘normal’ too. So if you’ve ever done some yoga, tai chi, qigong, meditation, massage or anything vaguely hippy (apart from drugs), we want to hear from you.
If you wish to book your free/donation based luxury retreat, we will sign you up on a first come first served basis. Please don't contact us - we will let you know if you’re in time to join in for our fully covid secure events later this year.
