The Mindful Way Through Stress
/As you might know I’m author of the book "The Mindful Way Through Stress" and today I want to share with you three ideas and three ways you can practice mindfulness to manage your stress.
These are stressful times we're going through at the moment and you might be feeling the need to decompress. Let me start by sharing a little story about how I've been managing the situation. I live in London in the UK and when the lockdown first started here it was really challenging for me. Anxiety was higher and I noticed right from the beginning I was struggling more with sleep - much more than I normally would. At the same time I really wanted to help and support others. I educate and train a lot of mindfulness teachers and they were out of work. They were looking for ways to work online and I really wanted to support that shift. I was trying to think my way through it and there were so many ideas coming up and ways that I could help. And at the same time, I was feeling quite tired and overwhelmed - not sure how to help with the situation. And then I had an insight - not to try and control the situation so much and to have more of a letting go approach. Obviously, it's much easier said than done - but it's something that naturally came to me as a solution to deal with the overwhelm.
My first tip is to allow things to go through the natural course.
With mindfulness, we always say ‘acceptance comes first and change comes later’. At the moment, every person is going through a different experience. Many have negative experiences, but some of you may even be having a positive experience. And that becomes negative too because then you start feeling guilty like "so many people are struggling and because of circumstances I have changed and things are better for me, should I even be feeling happier?" Because of this challenging environment for so many people, allowing things to be as they are, brings a natural sense of acceptance.
And so you may not being able to sleep properly, not be able to do the things you want to do, not be as efficient as you may normally be - of course feeling more frustrated, angry, scared, tired, lonely. Allow all these feelings to be there. And what mindfulness does is really put the welcome mat out for all these experiences.
The first thing I want to say is - see if you can start bringing a little bit more acceptance and allowance of however you're feeling . These are some of the biggest challenges that we as a society have faced for 75 years. It is bound to be hard - not just on the big society level, but for each individual as well. Appreciating that can really help.
The second thing that really helped me is a question which comes from both mindful practice and self-compassion practice.
That's asking myself the question "How can I best take care of myself right now?"
That's a great question to write down. And if you do any regular journaling - journaling can be a great way to help get your thoughts and feelings out in the morning for just for a few minutes or at the end of the day - whenever works best for you. But in that journal you can also ask yourself "How can I best take care of myself today or tomorrow?" and it's a question that you can start reflecting on as you go through the day.
After watching this video you can just take a few moments, take a few breaths - just consider "How can I best take care of myself? Maybe I need to take a bit more of a break? Maybe I need to call a friend? Maybe I need to take more action and deal with something?"
Try and keep the action as small as possible. The problem for most people is not that they don't aim high enough - it’s they aim too high. It's much better to start really, really small and then take an actual step towards something that you'd be able to see yourself doing, rather than just thinking about it.
The last advice is something from the book that I wrote and that is considered the traffic light of communication.
I think relationships and communication are really being challenged right now when people are forced to be at home, be within close quarters with people that they are not used to being spending so much time with. Or perhaps you are in isolation where you may feel trapped being on your own.
First of all, consider this traffic light communication system. It’s quite simple. Let's say you're feeling really frustrated. Someone in your household has done something you feel really overwhelmed with. You know you may lash out in anger or you may feel really down by what they've said or the actions that they've done.
That should signal in your mind a red light. You can then say "Okay, I'm in the red light zone at the moment and I need to be extra careful and maybe the best solution would be not to say too much." Just take yourself away, give yourself some time to rest and recharge. If you can, get out of that situation rather than trying to work out the solution, because what's happening is your mind has been hijacked in a way and you're not able to think as clearly. If you can do this - it’s hard - but if you can get away from that situation for a bit, just allow yourself a few breaths, come into the here and now if you can, or do whatever works best for you to start slowly shifting out of that red light zone.
As you begin to calm, you go into the yellow light zone.
The yellow light in communication represents something that you are being challenged with. Maybe someone saying something really frustrating for you - you’re right on the tipping point. You don't feel totally overwhelmed and there's some space for you to be able to take a few mindful breaths, to just pause before you respond. And there is that sense of choice there for you and that's a really, really critical point. If you can just tip the scales by just being a little bit more mindful, being a little bit more at ease, it makes all the difference.
You may want to take yourself slowly out of the situation or speak in a calmer way. Then, there may be some opportunity there for you to to get into the green light zone.
The green light of communication is when you're in a state where you feel open, present, aware and don't feel overwhelmed or challenged by what other people are doing. Just being aware of those traffic lights can really help. I find that it's a really great model.
Let's say that at the moment I'm in a red light. There's no point in me even trying to communicate too much. Let's see if I can just get out the situation and minimize any damage that could happen to that relationship. That could really help. And if I'm in the yellow - I know it's going to be hard, but I may be able to practice a bit of mindfulness, take a few deep mindful breaths, which can trigger the relaxation response and help, or just be really conscious of my feet on the floor, for example.
Mindfulness of your feet is a nice little tip! Because if you're talking to someone you know it's quite hard to be mindful and breathe, but you can always feel your feet the sensations of your feet in your shoes, for example. And in the green light there isn't so much of a problem - that is because you're already open, aware and present.
Summary
- The first tip is about acceptance and allowance. Making space for you to have all those emotions rather than criticizing yourself or forcing that emotion to go down, or trying to get rid of tricky thoughts. Letting them be there, appreciating the fact that we're going through some of the biggest challenges that we've ever faced. And when society goes through those challenges, each individual is impacted by that, whether it's in a really hard situation that you're facing or even if your situation may have somehow improved. There's a difficulty even in that - just focus on appreciating and see if you can bring a sense of acceptance to the way things are.
- The second tip is asking yourself "How can I best take care of myself?" and that's a practice of self-compassion and an act of kindness to yourself. That can help you to recharge and replenish yourself, it's a bit like putting your own oxygen mask on so then you can support others.
- The final tip, remember the traffic light of communication - check whether you are in the red, yellow or green light. That can help you to decide what action to take to help improve your communications.
Thanks a lot for joining me today and wish you all the best in these challenging times. I hope this was useful for you and if it was then do please share it with your loved ones and friends and family.
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