The Ultimate Guide To Cultivating Spiritual Wellbeing and Resilience in a Mindful and Kindful Way To Cope with Life’s Challenges
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This post is adapted from my book Relaxation for Dummies
Every one who is seriously involved in the pursuit of science becomes convinced that a spirit is manifest in the laws of the Universe-a spirit vastly superior to that of man, and one in the face of which we with our modest powers must feel humble. – Albert Einstein
Before you roll your eyes and skip through this blog post, I’d encourage you to take some time to read through this, especially if you’re feeling sceptical.
By spiritual I don’t necessarily mean Soul or God or a need for organised religion. And although prayer may traditionally be directed towards a higher power, if you’re an atheist, you can still experience feelings of connectedness, wonder, awe or humility – and I call these experiences spiritual.
If you have no deeper experience of life beyond your normal everyday activities and feel a sense of dissatisfaction with life, spiritual wellbeing may be your answer. Perhaps you have a feeling of emptiness or a sense that something is missing in life. You may be in a happy relationship, have a lovely family and wonderful friends, and yet you feel unhappy in some way.
Try some of the different exercises and see what effect they have. Even just reading and reflecting as you read may create a helpful shift within yourself.
To be clear, by spirituality I mean either a religious experience with God, or a human experience of intense emotions such as awe, wonder, peace, joy, or connectedness. You don’t need to be religious to experience spirituality – you just need to be alive and open to something beyond your everyday routine.
Growing spiritual wellbeing
“We aren’t human beings having a spiritual experience. We’re spiritual beings having a human experience.” - Teilhard de Chardin
I begin by clarifying what I mean by spirituality and then explore ways you can tap into this part of your human nature to find some peace and calm in your life.
Spirituality means different things to different people. At its heart, spirituality is about your connection to yourself and others, developing your own personal values and searching for meaning and purpose in your life.
Although for some, spirituality is to do with religion, prayer, God, meditation, faith and a higher power. Others find spirituality through art, nature, charity work or even a secular community.
Discovering spirituality
Spirituality is about natural human experience. These are examples of spiritual experiences as identified by the Royal College of Psychiatrists in the UK, who think that spirituality is an important part of mental wellbeing.
Spirituality is an experience of:
a deep sense of meaning and purpose in life
a sense of belonging
a sense of connection of ‘the deeply personal with the universal’.
acceptance and a sense of wholeness.
All these experiences are natural human feelings that don’t necessarily need belief in a particular religion.
When you’re faced with a difficulty in your life, like the death of a loved one, you are hurt emotionally. The various exercises may help you to manage the stress to a certain extent, but without a deeper understanding of what this loss tells you about life and death, healing cannot take place.
The word heal originally means to make whole. Difficulties in your life may have made you feel fragmented or broken. Spirituality offers practices for you to re-embrace your inner sense of wholeness.
Spirituality recognises that life has its ups and downs, and that’s the way it is. To resist challenges, to see them as problems to be constantly avoided leads to a life lived with fear and insecurity. A deeper understanding of life, of the inevitability of change results in a more peaceful and accepting state of mind.
Learning the benefits of spirituality
There seems to be four areas in which greater spirituality leads to a sense of wellbeing. Before you learn some spiritual exercises you can do to develop and deepen your inner experience of your own spirituality, consider some of the benefits of this inner connection.
* Greater sense of peace about who you are
If you see the way you are connected to the greater whole, you are more secure in who you are. This leads to a greater ability to deal with challenges that come your way.
* Healthier recovery from loss
One of the biggest challenges you can face is loss of a close relationship. Spirituality can help you to see this loss in a different light, in a way that strengthens you rather than just leaving a painful vacuum. You see the loss as a chance to reflect on the good times of the past and to really value what you still do have in the present. Perhaps you can still connect and communicate with your loved one in your heart.
* Improved relationships
Relationships are about connection. And so is spirituality. You develop a stronger and more positive relationship with yourself, those around you and with God, nature or the universe.
* Ability to accept inevitable difficulties of life
Through having a deeper meaning in life, you are able to see beyond the immediate difficulties you face. For example, if you have arthritis in your knee, you may see this as an opportunity to learn to be mindful of a painful sensation, and be grateful that the rest of your body doesn’t have the same disease.
All these benefits lead to a greater resilience to the inevitable stresses that you will face as you journey through life. In a way, spirituality is simply a different way of seeing life other than you as a tiny human being fighting to survive in a dangerous world. Your difficulties become a series of lessons to learn, to seek opportunities to connect with the more important things in life, and pleasant moments are a chance to be grateful for your good fortune.
Secular Spirituality Through Mindfulness
One of the reasons I became a teacher of mindfulness was its all-encompassing secular approach to wellbeing and, if you want, spirituality. Mindfulness offers both a set of techniques as well as a way of being that help you to understand your emotions and even reflect on your personal identity. For some people, mindfulness meditation is a way of tuning in to their spiritual selves without any need for joining an organised religion or belief in God. For others with religious beliefs, mindfulness offers a way of deepening their connection with a higher being. After all, the word religion comes from the Latin re-ligare meaning to re-connect. Perhaps that means to connect with your own wholeness, or the greater whole, which we call the universe.
Exploring your spirituality Exercise
To do this exercise, plan to have plenty of time to complete. The more unhurried you are, the more you’ll enjoy the process and discover new insights. Turn off any potential distractions and use your journal or notepad. Have a go at writing down the answers to the following questions. This is for you and no one else has to see it, so be totally honest if you can. If drawing or some other medium seems a more natural response for you, then go ahead and do that.
1. In what ways are you spiritual or religious, if any?
2. What helped you through your difficult times in life in the past?
3. What gives your life meaning or purpose?
4. Consider your current problem or challenge. Could there be a spiritual solution to the problem? If so, what could that be?
5. What, if anything, gives you hope?
6. Are you worried about dying or death? Do you believe in an afterlife, and if so, what are your thoughts about it?
7. Do you feel in any way connected with God, nature, creation or the universe? And if so, how? What does this connection mean to you?
Once you’ve finished writing or drawing your responses to the questions, reflect on how you feel about the experience. Do you feel like you know more about yourself and your spirituality? Try the exercise again in a month’s time (or even annually) and see if your responses differ, and if so, reflect on what has changed for you.
Engaging in spiritual practices
“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.” – Albert Einstein
Spirituality is partly about experience. Through practising spiritual exercises, you increase the possibility of enjoying a spiritual experience that leads to a deep insight about you and your place in the universe.
Try not to treat the exercises as prescriptive and remember that you don’t follow them to the dot. Spiritual practices that feel as if they are your own are more engaging and enjoyable. Always do what feels right for you, rather than feeling forced to follow my particular instructions. And keep an open mind for maximum benefits!
Learning different spiritual exercises
Spirituality is a deeply personal experience and you will discover spirituality in your own way. Begin by having some daily quiet time, some opportunity to read spiritual material, whatever that means for you, and making friends with others who share a similar spiritual outlook.
Spirituality is not something you either do have or you don’t. You can develop your spiritual side with a range of different exercises and some of them are not that difficult.
See if any of these appeal to you:
* Make time to meditate or pray
Prayer and meditation help you to connect with your inner self and develop a deeper relationship with yourself – a key aspect of spirituality for many people.
* Be grateful
Gratitude is an opportunity to reflect on how fortunate you are rather than just what’s missing. Simply think of 5 things you’re grateful for each evening before going to bed. You can find out more about gratitude exercises in this blog post.
* Let everything be your teacher
This is considered a spiritual attitude towards daily living. When you are faced with problem, trying to see what you can learn from it can be helpful. For example, when you lose your job, it’s so easy and to a large extent understandable to focus on the problem. But it could also be seen as an opportunity to make a fresh start in a brand new position. You could even be grateful for the chance to do something new and different.
* Be intrinsic
Some people are extrinsically spiritual – they are spiritual to make more friends, join community and want to be seen as religious. However research seems to suggest that people who are intrinsically spiritual – spiritual for the sake of personal meaning and inner motivation – enjoy greater benefits. Practice spiritual exercises, prayers and meditations because you think it’s important rather than doing it mechanically to satisfy someone else.
* Spend time enjoying nature
Nature can be inspiring and beautiful. Being in nature may remind you of your connection with the earth. Reflecting on how your very ancient ancestors are in a way plants and animals, you feel part of a huge family!
* Explore your creativity in areas like art, writing, cooking or gardening
Engaging in creative activities that you like evoking a sense of wonder and joyous unpredictability. You don’t really know how things will turn out. The mystery of creativity has a mystical and awe-inspiring dimension to it. You may not always feel that way, but even once in a while is rewarding.
* Read literature that encourages reflection like poetry or philosophy
Explore different poets or philosophers. You could even join a poetry or philosophy club that leans towards spiritual reflection and discussion.
* Listen to your intuition
Sense what you need to do or say by tuning into your inner self. Focusing your attention in the area of your gut (gut feeling) may help, as this is where many people sense their inner voice of guidance.
Practising forgiveness
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” - Lewis B. Smedes
When someone hurts you, it’s almost natural to feel angry and hold a grudge against him or her. But this is not a helpful attitude for your long-term health. Forgiveness is another way of dealing with the situation that has its benefits for wellbeing and resilience amongst others.
Everyone has had the experience of being hurt at some time. Perhaps a teacher at school always criticised you, or your partner always forgets your birthday. You are left with feelings of anger and frustration, but if you don’t ever forgive, you continue to hold that pain within you. Holding onto the anger is like holding onto a hot piece of coal – you’re burning yourself rather than the other person.
Forgiveness is a decision. You are deciding to stop holding onto thoughts of resentment and are seeing the situation from a different perspective. You are hurt, but you decide to stop thinking in a constantly negative way towards the other person. Forgiveness is about letting go and moving on. You may even develop feelings of compassion for the other person.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that the other person behaved reasonably. You can forgive someone’s actions without believing that what they did was right. If you forgive your partner for forgetting your birthday, it doesn’t mean s/he should forget. You simply let go of what has already happened and give lots of subtle clues next year to help them! Through forgiveness you are choosing peace rather than bitterness for yourself.
One way of seeing this is to forgive the person, but not the act. So you may forgive John but you are not happy with what John did that day.
Here are some of the benefits of forgiving:
* Greater general feeling of wellbeing
* Improved relationships
* Greater sense of wellbeing
* Lower blood pressure
* Possible reduced intensity of anxiety or depression
Here’s how to forgive:
1. Understand that the grudge you’re holding is hurting you.
Whilst you may be thinking about how awful it was for the perpetrator to do that, s/he’s probably moved on and is doing something else.
2. List the positives
You’ve probably been focusing on the negatives and wrongs that the perpetrator has done. Now may be a good time to try and write down five positive things that have come from the event. It won’t be easy, but it may help you to feel a bit better and see things from another angle.
3. See the bigger picture
Although the situation may have been difficult for you, it may have given others the opportunity to help you, and feel better for doing that. So others may have gained from the situation sometimes make it a bit easier to forgive.
4. Be kind to yourself
Getting hurt by someone is painful and although there may not be physical scars, the emotional pain can be even more difficult. So be nice to yourself and don’t expect to be able to instantly forgive. Allow yourself time and space to feel the emotions and work through them in your own time.
5. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to trust them.
If someone has behaved wrongly towards you, understand that the forgiveness is for you, not for them. You are freeing yourself from unnecessary hurt long after the incident has happened. If you have no reason to believe that person is trustworthy and may hurt you again, either stay away from them or deal with them appropriately, including reporting them to authorities.
6. Catch yourself and stop repeating the story in your head
You may find yourself replaying the past situation in your head again and again. This isn’t a helpful process and just makes the circumstance more painful for you.
7. Tell the story from their perspective
This is difficult but powerful. Imagine you are seeing the whole situation from the perpetrator’s perspective. Try and think what are her/his motives, why s/he carries out the things s/he does and behaves in that particular way. You could take this one step further and sit with a friend and them the story from your perpetrator’s perspective. This helps you to change your own way of seeing the situation and moves you towards forgiveness.
8. Send good wishes
Again, this is not easy but a powerful way of retraining your brain. Each time you get a negative thought about the perpetrator, wish them well. You could think ‘I hope he gets her/his life sorted out soon’ or ‘I hope they settle down and find some happiness’. Although this may seem totally artificial at first, if you keep practising, you may even generate some genuine feelings. This sense of compassion is very healing for your own body and mind.
Nurturing loving kindness
This is a deep spiritual exercise that is covered in this previous blog. Give it a try!
Volunteering your time
Volunteering for a particular cause obviously has benefits for the cause, but also offers a range of benefits for you.
When you are volunteering, you tend to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about others. Volunteering encourages connection with those around you and connection helps to ease stress and increase your feeling of wellbeing. Spirituality is about meaning, purpose and relationships as much as anything else – volunteering helps to offer you all those things. You feel like you’re making a positive difference in the world and you’re bound to meet others and communicate in a positive way. Giving of your time has also been shown to boost your overall wellbeing.
Summary
Spirituality doesn’t necessarily need to involve any belief. It can be about connecting more deeply with yourself, others and nature. Through taking the time to connect and reflect more deeply, you’re better able to deal with your inner challenges of thoughts and feelings, and outer challenges in the world around you. The exercises above and meditation below can help you to find peace, resilience, meaning and greater spiritual wellbeing.
Guided Spiritual Meditation
I have guided a meditation on spirituality in our Daily Mindfulness Club. I recorded the live session and you can listen to it here. Take you time and see how the experience is for you:
Curious about our daily mindfulness club? Why not join for a month and try it out? If it works for you, it could be life-changing! Get access to a brand new meditation recording every single day!
Membership includes:
Access to high quality guided meditations from our sessions
Live group coaching daily in a small, friendly community
A happier, healthier you
Don’t worry, everyone has their video switched off, so you can listen in wherever you are.
